I think I won the penis lottery.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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