Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
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