google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Even my vagina gasped.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
