btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
