I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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