if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
