so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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