the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
