i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
