you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
