For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
