I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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