she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
