I hope mine doesn't look like that
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
