its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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