she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
FUCK WHALES
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
