i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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