1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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