Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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