oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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