Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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