omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
