Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
