The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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