Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
