I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Two words: blizzard sex
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
