there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
