My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
