I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
