Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Your tits are I can't wait for
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
