i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
