My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
