my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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