I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
