I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
