And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
