i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Everything about him screamed your future.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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