Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
