I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
