So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
