so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
