I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
