there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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