i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
