i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
