I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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