In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
