Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
