I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
