i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
