Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
